One Secret

We did this dance twice.
I am pained both times.
The big emotional adjustment is how content I am with you
And how am I feeling now.

It is like my favorite author of my favorite character died
And I am not going to hear any more stories.
The perpetual cliff hanger.

I am going to miss your smile, laughter, sparkle.
And your friendship.
Especially right this season.

You were the last one I spoke to at night
The first one I thought of each morning.
It will take time for that to change.

Porcelain

I take every slight, every mistake, every regret and pick it up like it's a porcelain figurine, staring at it examining it, trying to figure it out. What did I do wrong? Did I learn from it? I'm sorry. And it keeps me up at night.

Window

it is funny to watch one window literally close

while another is being opened. 

Unspoken Thoughts

I thought it was a funny title because I tend to be unfiltered and just say what is on my mind. That is true of many things, except when it will make me vulnerable. In cases of the heart I don't express myself.
I spent Saturday walking through the zoo, more enamored by my friend than the animls. She untied her hair, shook it out of the elastic and I watched it cascade down her back. When she drew her hair forward, swept to one side, her neck looked delicious - but that sounds too pedestrian. It was elegant, Lily white. And I wanted to trail kisses along it.
She has a delightful smile. It gives delight while on display.
Her view of the world, of wanting to give to the world, to fix it, to spread happiness, makes her glow.

Woke

She woke up something in me. I don't know what. Hope, maybe. Maybe she simply melted the walls around my heart away. It seems that way. And when I get crushed this time, it will be okay. I'll may be fine. Who knows?

And feeling this happy is a good reward. Happy moments are just that, moments. Enjoy them. Those moments are what carry you through the crazy journey of life. They are stars in the night sky.

Her

You see her across the room, talking to someone. She is actively listening, and smiles. It is quite a smile. It warms up the person she is talking to and you as well. It is in that moment, that smile, that you recognize how absolutely beautiful she is.

Holiday

By now all that is left of the holiday is the torn wrapping paper, Holiday lights slicing the darkness and my hangover. Is it the FOMO effect that at the holiday there are so many supposed-to-be's? Joyful, grateful, coupled. Instead there is dread, anxiety, apprehension.

The Party Dress

I wasn't prepared for you to show up at my party, in that dress, looking like you did. I was stunned, surprised, giddy maybe. I had to protect myself by only talking to you sparingly so no one could guess how much it meant to me that you were there. I didn't want anyone to guess what you mean to me.

Can't

I want to wish her the best. I do. I should. I can't.

I am wishing for failure.

Which is awful.

And her failure doesn't mean I gain anything.

It won't mean I win.

It won't mean we will be together. Ever.

But I can't right now.

What Can I Tell You?

What can I tell you that you don't already know?

Life is supposed to be hard. Not easy. Easy is boring. It is the challenge that makes it worthwhile.

Is that the competitive spirit that is trying to live inside us? I have no idea.

I can tell you that Happiness is fleeting. You can't catch it, I don't think. Jim Rohn says you need to plan for happiness. I'm not certain you can. You can plan to spend time with friends and family or have an experience, but that doesn't necessarily equate to happy.

It is elusive. It is about the moments though.

Life is ups and downs with more downs than ups, but many days are just blah, boredom, daily grind. It is the hope and the happiness that keep us chugging along.

You do learn about happiness now and again.

I'm not a firm believer that someone else is responsible for your happiness - at all. It is all on you. But someone can come along and just make you feel so damn happy. I can't explain it. (Maybe it is just the Oxytocin, the Serotonin or the dopamine talking.)

She's beautiful and smart. Her laugh is a really pleasant sound that you want to make her laugh each visit. Her eyes twinkle. She's insecure and confident at different things, at different times. She has a nice body, but you hardly look at it because you are swimming in the gaze of her twinkling eyes. Maybe that is it. The way she looks at you, treats you, talks to you. The little chemical spark that you feel. The connection.

A long time ago, my therapist explained that chemistry was a two-way street. I still believe that. Acknowledging it is another matter.

The only problem with this is when it ends.

It begs the question: would it have been better to have not spent any time with her?

Right now it seems so.

It's like she showed me what sunshine was, but only rain is on my menu. (With our current weather being a tropic storm, this is almost funny.)